The Hert of France

Well, it was meant to be France, although some of the countryside looked suspiciously like Hertfordshire, but hey, what's a country between friends?

Even if, like me, you're right off Woeful Walford at the moment, whenever EastEnders (BBC1 Monday to Friday and Omnibus, Sunday 2.30pm) does an OB (Outside Broadcast, triv fans) it is always essential viewing - mainly because it's so hit or miss as to whether they'll get it right or not.

And generally they don't.

For example, who could forget their spectacularly misjudged Oirland special? Every local looked like a potato, lived on a potato farm, was drunk on booze made from potatoes and only ate - I'll let you guess.

They all had big red cheeks, dodgy political connections, brandished shelaighles and said "top o' the mornin' " and "to be sure" a lot. The good folk of Ireland were understandably miffed and the Queen Vic's finest have never mentioned, let alone ventured back to, the Emerald Isle since.

Scotland got much the same treatment (Ruth and Mark's wedding, triv fans). Everyone, even the dogs, wore kilts, drank whisky, ate haggis and was deadly dour. So true to life, I can't tell you.

But none of these could eclipse the Eclipse special OB from Cornwall, where the trademark Enders stereotyping went into a frenzy, including the old textbook favourite where be-whiskered publicans (counters piled high with rubber pasties) and their patrons suddenly turned mute whenever a stranger (AKA EastEnder) hovered nearby. Add protective eclipse-viewing goggles to the likes of Ian Beale and you had one of the most hilarious episodes of all time.

Happily, when it came to France, they've got it wrong again.

Everyone is either a baguette-toting, garlic guzzling country bumpkin of the French variety or a sensibly-shod retired English couple seeking a holiday home.

And the insulting of foreigners reached an all time-high (or low, depending on whether you're French or not) when Minty, Gus, Gal and co hummed the theme tune to Black Beauty while tucking into a local dish on account of the fact it was probably made from bleedin' 'orse meat!

The rest, though, was pure Walford - all misunderstandings and surprise fathers. But this time the shock wasn't so much that Mickey had a dad, more the fact that it was that bloke whatsisface off Le Bill!

Trouble and strife continued in the latest episode of Wife Swap (Monday, C4, 9pm), where housework-obsessed Cheryl swapped her home, kids and husband with Bess, who was, let's just say, a bit of a stranger to soap and water.

Wife Swap is far superior to any other show in this particular genre in that it still manages to surprise. One minute you're plumping up the cushions and chuckling at how naff and grotesque the families are, the next, you're wringing your hands in angst as their vulnerabilities and emotional problems are exposed for all to see.

And this latest series appears to be delving even deeper than ever. What started off this week as the usual silly control-freak mum versus slobby, laid-back mum, suddenly became a study of a woman at the end of her tether, who admitted to hating her life and who was so miserable that she'd kept her teenage twins out of school for two years just to keep her company while she spent 15 hours a day cleaning an immaculate house.

Somewhere along the line Cheryl's husband Sam and her three children had all caught this virulent cleaning bug and by the time Bess, leader of a chapter of bikers called the Black Knights, arrived to take her place, they were all virtual recluses with no friends or hobbies and who discouraged all visitors.

Appalled, Bess declared the house a cleaning-free zone. Sam nearly died on the spot and when she dumped all the cleaning stuff in the bin the twins, Christopher and Zoe wailed and screeched in the way a child would if you took away its toys.

Meanwhile, back in Manchester and now "wife" to Lemmy (yes, as in Motorhead with big tash, long hair and the odd tattoo, but a really nice bloke), Cheryl is almost suicidal with frustration at not being able to scrub her unhappiness away in Bess's filthy house.

Instead she's bundled onto the back of Lemmy's bike and before you can say "Mr Sheen" she's knocking back the beers and rocking the night away with the Black Knights.

One honorary red leather bike jacket and a river of tears later, she finally realises that life in her gilded cage is a sham and is determined to change it. In fact, so extreme was her transformation, she seriously feared returning home.

The other great thing about Wife Swap is that all along, the wives have no idea what is going on back at their own houses and as they return prepared to battle to put right the things that are wrong in their families, they are so often disarmed by a partner who has also seen the light and couldn't agree more.

I do love a happy ending. So, perhaps I'll dodge tonight's final EastEnders a la Francais, where Mickey and Dawn bid one another adieu and Minty decides to stay on... in, erm, Hertfordshire.

That's savon for you!