I want a pony. "Well, you can't have one. We haven't got a stable." Job done.

So, who needs Supernanny (Channel 4, Wednesday)? Well, clearly Paul and Denise Cooke judging by the first instalment of the new series this week.

Poor Denise was at the end of her very short tether as ruling nine-year-old Meghann bit and scratched her way towards complete dominance. Paul, meanwhile, tried to stay calm but overdid it and just ended up looking clueless.

Enter stage left: Jo Frost, Mary Poppins suit and glasses and calf muscles like a bull's back legs. That should keep it well in order. Er, no.

Evil Meghann continued to bite and scratch our super-heroine (in between a Robbie Savage-esque head-butt on little sister Erin) and even tried throwing a chair through a window at one point.

Imagine dragging that around a supermarket on a Saturday afternoon.

There is an abundance of naughty-kid shows around these days, but none of them compares with this one. The reason? The others can't find kids like Meghann who make you glad you went for a pet dog instead.

Moving not-so-swiftly on, you all remember the fat kid at school, don't you?

The one who was always picked last for football and forced to eat grass that dogs had "been" on.

Well, it's not funny any more, folks, as Transformed (ITV1, Monday) discovered.

Featuring four kids from very different backgrounds, ITV's latest flab-fighting fest aimed to get the fatties fit in just 10 weeks with the help of a tough ex-Marine, an obesity psychologist and a life coach, whatever one of those is. Oh, and Dr Adam Carey from Celebrity Fit Club.

You see where I'm going, don't you?

The first (and biggest) fat-fighter was Dom, a 15-year-old scouser who weighed in at a hefty 20 stone. Despite chomping through a black pudding butty on camera, it was clear from the off that Dom was the one who needed to shed the most pounds, as well as being the one who actually wanted to.

Unlike Alisha, a 17-year-old college drop-out who tipped the scales at a chunky 17 stone.

Despite being wedged into the obese bracket, Alisha was more concerned with

verbally abusing her mum and munching her way through countless bars of chocolate while watching Trisha on Five. Ahem, the future of our country, Mr Blair?

Anyhow, completing the heavyweight line-up was Scot Jodie (boy, not girl) and cheese addict Vicki, from Portsmouth.

Incidentally, Vicki's mum came out with the show's best quote when she said a mountain of cheddar on beans on toast "ruined the healthy part of the meal". Genius.

As well as changing the four's eating habits from the greasy to the gourmet, Marine Scott had them out in all sorts of weather climbing mountains and jumping into freezing rivers. And then it was over.

It's never a good idea to, erm, squeeze a 10-week health programme into an hour-and-a-half of desperate telly and ITV sunk like a porker in a chocolate pool on that one.

But there was one good thing to come out of a fairly ordinary show: Dom, the scouser. The poor lad shed a tear for every pound he lost as he looked ahead to a future without his father, who died at just 44 after years of weighing a mammoth 30-stone. Who says ITV can't do emotion, eh?

Over in Albert Square, meanwhile, the Den mystery intensified. (EastEnders, BBC1, all week)

"Ave you got any leads?" asked Chrissie.

"Nuffink concrete," replied Dennis (amazingly, with a straight face).

Me? I almost choked on my chicken balls at the very thought of the 'Enders scriptwriters attempting a joke. What will it be next?

Grant Mitchell: "Fill, ave you got any leads?"

Phil: "Yeah, I took the 'dog for a walk' last night." Guffaw.