An evening of Eastern promise...

Scenes of carnage ensued at Gatwick airport as I disembarked from the plane to be met by hordes of screaming teenage girls. The fact that they were screaming and running away didn't seem significant at the time, but on reflection, etc.

Still, back to more pressing matters, namely the bill of fare for the coming week in gigsville. I must admit, there would appear to be a degree of general excitement in the air: Apparently, there's some kind of big football event starting on Friday, but I can't seem to find any information about it anywhere, arf, zzz.

Those of you (like myself) with less than a 'passing' interest in balls - and I sincerely pity you, you poor wretches - may be more inclined to take in the delights of Shavali and The Kotel Ensemble (Portesham Village Hall, tonight, 8pm, £6/£4 under-18s, £16 family), a summit meeting of 'one of Europe's most exciting bands' with three visiting Bulgarian virtuoso musicians.

Eastern European dance music is the name of this particular game, with a generous helping of the remarkable vocal work for which Bulgaria is renowned, courtesy of Dessislava Nedelcheva and Ivan Handeliev.

I'm predicting a 6-0 away win for Bulgaria and an early bath for me (Thursday night is Bath Night).

Now, it seems scarcely believable that it was 30 years ago that the seminal album Led Zeppelin IV was released.

Richard Nixon was on the throne in the USA, while Britain was primarily ministered by Ted Heath (or 'Head Teeth' as I used to reflexively refer to him when I was wee). I was milk monitor at my primary school, and my conkers were the envy of the playground.

If you're feeling the first stirrings of nostalgia for this simpler time, soundtracked as it was by Led Zeppelin's most enduring album (although the largely acoustic Zep III is my favourite because I'm a big poofter who likes to put on women's clothing and hang around in bars, etc), then I need only point you in the direction of Whole Lotta Led (Marine Theatre, Lyme Regis, Sunday, £7.50 advance/£8.50 on the door, tickets on (01297) 442394), 'the ultimate Led Zeppelin tribute band'.

On Monday there's an entire Music Day in Dorchester Borough Gardens as part of the jubilee celebrations

With a seal of approval from the surviving Zepsters themselves and a No1 placing in the Daily Star's top ten tribute band list, Whole Lotta Led will be performing Zep IV in its entirety (even the tricksy mandolin stuff like the sublime Battle Of Evermore) as well as a whole heap of other Zep nuggets like Dazed & Confused, How Many More Times and Whole Lotta Love... Theremin manipulation ahoy.

Now, an anniversary which is secondly only in importance to the Led Zep one is the Golden Jubilee, which some of you might have heard a little bit about etc, etc. It's about time there was an annus mirablis on the cards for the beleaguered Royals: I myself have been suffering something of an anus horriblis recently, but the sandblasting has done me a power of good, etc.

Anyhoo, I feel I should draw your attention to an all-day jubilee concert on Weymouth beach on Saturday which will feature two tribute bands (Tina Turner and Steps respectively) plus 'a top local band', it says here mysteriously... Ooo, how exciting! I wonder if it's us?

Well, actually, I know it isn't because I'm at a wedding that day, but still.

On Monday, meanwhile, there's an entire Music Day in Dorchester Borough Gardens as part of the jubilee celebrations featuring the following stout-hearted individuals: Celtic rock & roll titans JiggeryPipery (3-3.45pm, 4.30-5.15pm), the Purbeck Big Band (3.45-4.30pm, 5.15-6pm), Sam Fowler's tasteful jazz combo Four In A Bar & Friends (6-6.45pm, 7.30-8.15pm) and the Wessex Military Band (6.45-7.30pm, 8.15-9pm).

At 9pm, Dorchester Carnival Band will lead a procession along South Walks to Salisbury Field where the beacon will be lit, and - who knows? - wicker effigies of the Lonergan and me.

Ooh, my head hurts. Think I need a holiday.