ONCE upon a time, auctions were fairly mysterious, even rather glamorous affairs, where monocled gents and coiffeured ladies would bid with the merest raise of an eyebrow or twitch of a lip for priceless objets d'art.

Now, thanks to the telly, auctions have become the domain of the masses, supermarkets of the second-hand, where unseemly bun fights take place over everything from scabby old Rupert annuals to bits of bric-a-brac that would hitherto barely have made the shelves of your local charity shop.

A few weeks ago I mentioned that the TV schedules have been hijacked by property shows, but they are facing serious competition for slots from this unexpected job lot of bag-a-bargain-type programmes.

It all began with the daddy of them all, The Antiques Roadshow (latest series now showing on Sunday, BBC1, 6.45pm), still the Fortnum & Mason of the What's-My-Grot-Worth? genre.

With AR there's still the possibility of unearthing an important work of art, like the time a legendary missing painting by the very mad and very dead artist, John Dadd was brought in in a carrier bag. Discovered rolled up in an elastic band, in the loft of Mr & Mrs Bloggs - it turned out to be worth nearly £1 million.

Then along came the young pretender, Bargain Hunt (still on every weekday on ITV1 at 12 noon), a trendier, brasher offering.

Somewhere in the schedules there's an middle-priced version of this called Flog It!, presented by a posh bloke who is spectacularly patronising to his floggers, but the bargain basement of them all has got to be Car Booty (BBC1, 11.30am, but sure to get a prime time slot soon). In this cheap-as-chips (with thanks to David D) effort, a tired looking woman advises a bewildered looking couple or family on what stuff from their house would sell at a car boot sale.

Well, any of us could do that, dear reader - for the answer is anything!

At a car boot you can sell a table lamp with a smashed glass shade for £2, a Goodies video for £3 and a book about amusing deaths for £1.50.

So the show begins with us going through the would-be booters' old junk, then dragging along with them to a field in the back of beyond for the sale itself and then watching the great unwashed sidle up and offer them £1 instead of £2 for those slightly stained incontinence pants.

And on that subject, Paul Merton calls it a 'Mrs Willoughby' and Kirsty Young opts for the old faithful - 'front bottom'.

Sorry, were you eating?

It's just that the subject cropped up in Room 101 (BBC2, Monday, 9.30) and it got me wondering just how many different terms we have for the female nether regions.

No answers on postcards, PLEASE!

Ms Young was this week's guest 101-er and included in her various pet hates was the Brazilian wax, which for the uninitiated, is the term used in beauty circles for the removal of all but a fine strip of hair from a lady's ------ (insert your word for it here). Cue the topic of conversation dropping below the belt quite quickly.

In case anyone was left wondering, Paul Merton used a giant picture of the footballer, Robert Pires, to illustrate the look.

This was the first time I've watched Room 101 in ages, and it was really, really funny. Laugh-out-loud funny, thanks to Merton's sharp and scarily surreal observations on life and the dislikes of his featured guest.

In went cowboy boots, too. Hurray! Well, not the boots per se, but the sort of mid-life crisis bloke who wears these high-heeled horrors.

She also suggested that leather trousers are the female equivalent and should only be worn by women under the age of 25. Merton added that they should also be new, otherwise they go baggy and 'you end up looking like the back of an old elephant walking down the street'.

Made me laugh.

PS: Welcome back Peggy Butcher/Mitchell to The Square - now I can get back to doing my: 'Gerrrourra Moi pub, naah' impression again. Yipee!