ROADWORKS teach us a great deal about our ability to cope with difficult situations.

Pressures of time, a hatred of being cooped up in your car going nowhere or even having to watch the bloke in the car next to you embarking on a deep excavation within his nasal passages can all send the blood pressure soaring.

But how do you cope with the very English dilemma of merging?

Any driver will know that at some stage in his daily journey, the two lanes on which he is travelling will become one.

At that point, any cars in the outside lane become "merger".

Any car in the inside lane to which you are now forced to move is a "mergee".

In the vast majority of motoring situations on the world's roads, the relationship between the merger and the mergee is a fairly straightforward and convivial one.

The merger indicates to move left, the mergee removes his foot from the accelerator and allows the merger to complete his manoeuvre.

The merger duly shows his appreciation with a friendly wave and life continues.

But we are English. We are different. We like to make things as complicated as possible.

Take the Blackwater Junction roadworks on the spur road to and from Bournemouth, due to last until the middle of December.

Indeed, take the road leading up the Frizzell roundabout or, let's face it, any English road where two lanes become one.

Sadly, the merger-mergee relationship can only exist in England when there is free-flowing traffic and we're all in a good mood.

That's an occurence as rare as a newspaper printing a story about one of its investigative journalists actually being stopped by security.

So we are left with a dilemma fraught with inconsistencies and littered with the souls of those who cannot bear the thought of a fellow driver getting the best of him.

Let me put my cards firmly on the table here.

The only way traffic flow can be maintained is for both lanes to be full of traffic and mergees allow mergers to slip into the inside lane where the road narrows.

But what we have are four distinctly different kinds of driver. There are the Mergees or Inside Laners, who patiently sit in the left-hand lane as the queue merges into one, disregarding the mindless games of cat-and-mouse going on around them. And I salute you.

There are the Mergers, or Outside Laners, who understand the need to keep traffic flow moving and who rely on the Mergee/Merger relationship to provide them with a way in to the traffic flow.

Then there are the Bolshy Outside Laners, who will crawl along in the right-hand lane, preventing the other Outside Laners from passing.

These are the people convinced what they are doing is helping matters, when actually they are responsible for the hold-up,

But worst of all are the I Can't See You brigade, whose antics actually worsen an already fractious and complex situation. These are the drivers who will pretend not to see the Outside Laner indicating to move in from the right and, as both jostle for space like petulant children in the jelly queue at a children's party, one eventually has to give way to avoid the prospect of a small, but irritating paint job.

Or, worse still, a small, but irritating wheel brace inserted without the benefit of anaesthetic.

It is stupid, it is childish and research has shown that these are generally the people at whom those frequent Sexual Dysfunction advertisements are aimed.

So if you get the urge, just merge.

Believe me, the traffic flow will improve and we can all get home without boring the pants off our partners with tales of road rage and high blood pressure.

First published: Sept 20