A LOT of today's children are going to grow up with no table manners.

That's the prediction that's been made by a number of experts following research that showed only one in five families eat together.

With parents working longer hours and many children owning TV sets in their bedrooms, it seems the evening meal is dying out.

In our house, we at least attempt to get everyone sitting at table for a dinnertime conversation in a strained attempt to emulate The Waltons.

Yet I'm not sure we've been very successful so far at teaching good manners. Our children - aged four and two - have made some alterations to the accepted rules of etiquette.

Here's a guide to mealtime manners as practised by the Slade boys:

1. Don't rush to the meal table. It could be construed as greedy. Instead, protest long and loudly that you're too busy with something else, and only sit down to dine when you are physically hauled to the dining room.

2. When you are at the table, take the pressure off the cook by finding something else to do while you're waiting for the food to arrive - like banging cutlery on the table or throwing it on the floor.

3. When the food does arrive, remember someone has put a lot of time into making it, so it would be a shame to eat it in a hurry. Instead, handle it in your fingers for a while and push it about the plate.

4. Take care not to eat anything you haven't eaten before. If cajoled into tasting something new, touch it very cautiously with the tip of your tongue, but follow this by making elaborate spitting gestures and refusing to touch any more.

5. If in doubt, just eat ketchup.

6. When finished, pay your hosts a compliment by turning your leftover food into a sculpture. If you get the consistency right, you can stick this work of art to the table.

7. Always allow room for dessert, even if this means eating none of the main course.

Your hosts will be crestfallen if you fill yourself up on nutritious home-cooked food and don't have any room left for Thomas the Tank Engine yoghurts.

8. By the time you leave the table, you should still have enough food on your hands to smear all over the house to show your appreciation.

First published: October 27