IT'S like your worst nightmare come true: Sarah Ferguson, the Big Brother housemates, Patsy Kensit and Lizzie from Wife Swap all in the same room.

Yes, even in this its 10th anniversary year, the National TV Awards, (Tuesday ITV1) - the skint man's Oscars - was once more awash with the sort of double-Z-list "celebrities" you'd normally cross the street to avoid.

Even the intellectual presence of urbane host, Sir Trevor McDonald did little to lift this two-and-a-half-hour-long live "extravaganza" out of its quagmire of naffness.

It was billed as the showbiz event of the year (isn't everything?), but one look at the dreary red-carpet parade of unrecognisable bit-part actors and soaplets displaying alarming quantities of suet-puddingy flesh, was enough to warn us we were not exactly going to be celebrating genius here.

Which was confirmed more-or-less immediately when the winner of Most Popular Drama was The Bill.

Hang on, did they say The Bill?! Who watches that? Well, I suppose someone must as it was "you, the viewers" who voted for it, apparently.

Worse, it beat the glorious Footballer's Wives, which may be severely lacking in drama, but at least has the decency to know it and sometimes even be hilarious.

On and on it went after that.

Most Popular Quiz Show - who cares?

And it was depressingly predictable too. Sorry, am I moaning too much?

Well, you have to admit, David Jason wins some or other category every year, so why don't they cut out a quarter-of-an-hour of pointless clips of fellow-nominees who're not going to win and just go straight for the Most Popular David Jason Award?

Further foolishness came with the announcement of the Special Recognition Award; it went to Caroline Quentin.

Recognition of what? How boring she is? How forgettable all the shows she's ever been in are? That she was once married to the fabulous Paul Merton?

And her elegantly witty acceptance speech? (Holding vaguely phallic-shaped award aloft) 'Thanks, I'll really enjoy this... once I find out where the batteries go!' Hilarious or what?

A good result was Little Britain picking up Most Popular Comedy Programme. That show is wrong, very wrong and long may it remain so.

At these dos there's also always an award given to a performing child/man thing. You know, a wee tiny actor in a grown-up dinner suit, who comes across like they've been in the business for ages?

This year it was the turn of Sam Aston (aka Chesney off Corrie), but for once, unlike past precocious recipients, he was - like his speech - short and sweet.