NOW, here's an engaging topic. Entries are now being received for the 2005 Loo of the Year Awards - the annual competition to lift the lid on the best places "to go" throughout the UK.

Among those trumpeting the cause are the British Toilet Association, Armitage Shanks and The British Council.

Now before you poo-pooh the idea, let me explain that it's a serious business.

The awards cistern, I mean system, incorporates no fewer than 50 different categories, with promoters boasting how this year, for the first time, you can vote for your favourite loo in a cemetery or crematorium.

Although surely the last thing on your mind after paying your last respects to Uncle Frank is to check out the quality of the on-site porcelain.

Other categories include "water and theme parks", "churches and church halls", "surgeries","trains" and "full-time attended" (although in my experience the last two are always inextricably linked.)

All competition entries receive a star grading, ranging from one to five stars, "following an unannounced visit by an authorised inspector".

Does this mean they will have to turn up in disguise (think fake nose, moustache and glasses), whistling and sporting a forced air of nonchalance as they use the facilities?

Can they claim their 20p entry back on expenses? And what if they DID want to announce their arrival? How many public conveniences do you know with telephones?

Once there, they apparently have to check such things as signage and communication, cleanliness, air quality and "extras".

Now, before you jump to the wrong conclusions, "extras", according to the small print, are "added value enhancement" such as vending machines and flowers.

It's all part of a cunning plan from the British Toilet Association or BTA - (no wonder the British Tourist Authority changed its name to Visit Britain) - whose aim is simply the pursuit of excellence in "away from home" toilets and how they are managed.

Something of a chain gang, if you will.

You too can become a member. There's a free copy of the film Carry On At Your Convenience for anyone who signs up before the end of the month (Okay, I made that last bit up.)

But I kid you not about the World Toilet Summit, held in Belfast in September this year.

Seriously, it's expected to attract thousands of delegates from all over the world. Little wonder when just one of the lectures visitors can look forward to is entitled Toilets: The Need for Change.

Are these people plumb crazy, flushed with their own importance, round the bend, or simply a little vacant?

I'm not sure, but before I pan the idea of Loo of the Year completely, I may just make a nomination. Or, I may sit on it for a while.....