WHAT would you do? You are a Z-lister, milling around the posh part of North London, waiting for the next job offer to come along, then, all of a sudden, a telly exec (probably wearing glasses and a bad tie) pops up with a cheque for 50 grand and a ticket to a tropical island paradise.

The only catch is that you have to live with a bunch of celebs even less well-known than you are.

You would, wouldn't you?

And that is exactly what said Z-listers have done (Celebrity Love Island, ITV1, all week).

While all the pre-show press revolved around Abi Titmuss and Calum Best, it was ex-Hollyoaks "star" Paul Danan who made the most impact.

Following Lady Isabella Hervey around like a baby with a calcium deficiency, Paul was either extremely entertaining or just plain annoying depending on your point of view.

Isabella is clearly a very sexy, er, Lady, but Paul's grunting and sweating at the sight of her in a bikini was not your classic playing-hard-to-get tactic.

While Paul was doing his Benny Hill impression, former EastEnder Michael Greco stopped whispering for a few minutes in favour of some yoga - in his pearly white pants.

What would Gianni say? Or whisper?

Despite the sunshine, pay cheque and unlimited booze, Jayne Middlemiss got homesick after just a few hours. "I can't sleep," she whined. "There's no privacy, there're no walls."

Walls? What about all the cameras, Jayne?

It went further downhill for the hapless Danan when he and Isabella were voted into the Love Shack.

"You know I'm gonna do it anyway," Paul told the cameras as he plotted his move to snare the posh bird.

Unfortunately for Paul, his performance was more Norwich than Chelsea and, the worse for drink, the best he could come up with was, "Do you want to sleep in my bed tonight? I'm a really cuddly person". Must try harder.

Abi, meanwhile, ended up in the sack with former Beckham PA Rebecca Loos, much to the delight of randy Paul, and ate her way through an entire island of fruit as Lee Sharpe boasted to Jayne about his "massive cellar".

Despite becoming the new Jeff Brazier of Reality TV, I'm going to stick my neck out and say that Lee could end up winning the game.

It might just be a smokescreen, but he seems genuine and up for a laugh, as well as being of the same "nice" stock that saw Tony Blackburn, Kerry Katona and Joe Pasquale triumph in the jungle.

While all this was going on in a tropical paradise, crazy ex-Libertine Pete Doherty was caught in a crack stronghold. Again. But this time on the camera of the equally crazy Max Carlish, a not-very-good documentary maker and hanger-on. (Stalking Pete Doherty, C4, Tuesday).

Max, you'll recall, sold pictures of Doherty smoking heroin to a Sunday newspaper and was then beaten up for the trouble, he alleges, by Doherty. This programme followed Max's attempts at making a Doherty documentary up until the alleged assault.

Channel 4, rightly or wrongly, chose to focus more on Max than Pete, proving fairly conclusively that the "film-maker" is no film-maker at all - just another Libertines fan obsessed with the mystery and intrigue that surrounds the singer.

In fairness to Max and his wonky camera work, though, he did capture some magnificent footage of Pete outside the recording studio and at a graveyard.

Clearly off his nut, Doherty looked haunted, confused and gaunt, muttering and rambling about dead people and his granddad.

More fascinating, however, was Max's violent outbursts and mumbling on camera about how much he loved Pete, Kate, Carl and every other person involved in the singer's life, making the title of this programme frighteningly accurate.