I'M BACK. And, thanks to the wonders of newspaper technology, I bet you never even realised I was away.

But, in truth, I've just returned to these shores after taking a - for the most part - relaxing cruise around the Mediterranean.

I won't bore you with the teething troubles that marred the start of our voyage, though unlike a certain other cruise liner we did at least have toilets that flushed.

What I will say, though, is that it pays to find your sea legs quickly, particularly if the weather turns a bit choppy in the Bay of Biscay.

I assume it's some sort of karmic payback for all those times I've used airliner toilets the moment we were flying over France, but that Gallic area of water provoked a mild but definite case of mal de mer.

I say mild because I've been really, really seasick before, and this was nothing like so bad, but it's still unpleasant.

Especially if you find yourself having to change your son's nasty nappy because your wife is likewise incapacitated.

Believe me, you really want to avoid that if you can.

Of course, unlike the rest of us, my 18-month-old son was completely unaffected by the motion of the ocean, probably because, to him, walking is still a bit of a wavy concept anyway.

Given the opportunity to contemplate it on dry land the next day, it occurred to me that seasickness is a very odd thing (not for me, particularly, since I get motion sick if I turn around too fast. But Mrs C, on the other hand, is a big fan of rollercoasters, which you might think would inure her to Neptune's wrath).

After all, your body adapts quickly enough to the ship's motion to stop you falling over, so why the nausea?

Why can't your higher brain just tell your body what's happening and leave it to get on with it?

Bit of a design flaw, surely?

And how come it can suddenly disappear, even in rough seas, almost as if someone has just flicked a special switch in your body (biology was never my best subject)?

More importantly - at least that's how it seemed as I dragged my queasy stomach out for a quick dinner - why do some people suffer while others can stroll around wondering what all the fuss is about?

There are words for people like that.

But nothing I can use in a family newspaper.